"I threw him off the back of the train." I don't think I'll ever stop giggling when I read that bit.
Squall turned his eyes back to the tracks ahead, to watch as the engine ate up the miles. Green was encroaching onto the browns and golds of the landscape as the desert began to give way to plains. Somewhere beyond lay forests, and beyond that, the sea, and Balamb, and Garden. Home.
Rinoa's voice beside him sounded like it was coming from a long way off. "Where are we going?" I think, between these two bits, somehow, in Squall's, there should be just a weensy bit more suggestive of distance. You've got a good bit there already, but a touch more would be even better.
On foot it would take days. They'd never make it in time. I love these two sentences. They sum up his thoughts perfectly, and give the whole piece a lovely ominous tone.
"Okay," came her easy reply, and he turned away again. The sound of his name stopped him within arm's reach of the door to the next car. "Squall." It could be me, but I feel th phrasing here is somehow awkward.
There was nothing Squall could think to say to her, so in the end, after a long, silent, vaguely baffled hesitation, he simply did as he was told. That sounds like Squall, in a nutshell.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2004-03-12 06:57 pm (UTC)Squall turned his eyes back to the tracks ahead, to watch as the engine ate up the miles. Green was encroaching onto the browns and golds of the landscape as the desert began to give way to plains. Somewhere beyond lay forests, and beyond that, the sea, and Balamb, and Garden. Home.
Rinoa's voice beside him sounded like it was coming from a long way off. "Where are we going?" I think, between these two bits, somehow, in Squall's, there should be just a weensy bit more suggestive of distance. You've got a good bit there already, but a touch more would be even better.
On foot it would take days. They'd never make it in time. I love these two sentences. They sum up his thoughts perfectly, and give the whole piece a lovely ominous tone.
"Okay," came her easy reply, and he turned away again. The sound of his name stopped him within arm's reach of the door to the next car. "Squall." It could be me, but I feel th phrasing here is somehow awkward.
There was nothing Squall could think to say to her, so in the end, after a long, silent, vaguely baffled hesitation, he simply did as he was told. That sounds like Squall, in a nutshell.
All in all, I love this piece. :)