Squall turned his eyes back to the tracks ahead, to watch as the engine ate up the miles. Green was encroaching onto the browns and golds of the landscape as the desert began to give way to plains. Somewhere beyond lay forests, and beyond that, the sea, and Balamb, and Garden. Home.
Rinoa's voice beside him sounded like it was coming from a long way off. "Where are we going?" I think, between these two bits, somehow, in Squall's, there should be just a weensy bit more suggestive of distance. You've got a good bit there already, but a touch more would be even better.
I don't think I grok quite what you're suggesting here. Or rather, I think I do, but I'm not sure how it could be accomplished - except, reading back over it, I really think I should find a way to mention somewhere in here that the reason they're in such a hurry is that the enemy is going to be launching missiles on Balamb Garden any minute now.
I'd also like to find a way to hint at the fact that Squall was very recently tortured half to death, but I don't want to be blatant about it.
"Okay," came her easy reply, and he turned away again. The sound of his name stopped him within arm's reach of the door to the next car. "Squall." It could be me, but I feel th phrasing here is somehow awkward.
That's... probably because it is. Not sure how to improve that bit. I'll work on it.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2004-03-13 10:13 am (UTC)Rinoa's voice beside him sounded like it was coming from a long way off. "Where are we going?" I think, between these two bits, somehow, in Squall's, there should be just a weensy bit more suggestive of distance. You've got a good bit there already, but a touch more would be even better.
I don't think I grok quite what you're suggesting here. Or rather, I think I do, but I'm not sure how it could be accomplished - except, reading back over it, I really think I should find a way to mention somewhere in here that the reason they're in such a hurry is that the enemy is going to be launching missiles on Balamb Garden any minute now.
I'd also like to find a way to hint at the fact that Squall was very recently tortured half to death, but I don't want to be blatant about it.
"Okay," came her easy reply, and he turned away again. The sound of his name stopped him within arm's reach of the door to the next car. "Squall." It could be me, but I feel th phrasing here is somehow awkward.
That's... probably because it is. Not sure how to improve that bit. I'll work on it.
Thanks for the comments!